Quotes from Bad Santa | Bad Santa Quotes

“Why don’t you wish in one hand, and shit in the other. See which one fills up first.” – Willie

“OW! Watch the toenails, kid. Shit!” – Willie

“Wanna see some magic? OK, let’s watch you disappear.” – Willie

“I hope that you got my present and that there wasn’t too much blood on it.” – Willie

“Well, you smell like a bum’s nut sack.” – Willie

“You said that yesterday, you stupid f*ck.” – Marcus

“You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin’ shit that has every slid from a human being’s hairy ass.” – Marcus

“You know what I see when I look at you? America’s got a sad future ahead of it.” – Gin

“I could stick you up my ass, small fry.” – Gin

“I’m not your f*ckin’ da da” – Willie

“I wouldn’t be diggin’ in your ass!” – Marcus

“I’m an eating, drinking, shitting, f*cking Santy Claus.” – Willie

“ASSCLOWN!” – Hindustani Troublemaker

“You’re as queer as a ten-dollar bill.” – Hindustani Troublemaker

“More booze, more bullshit, more butt-f*cking.” – Marcus

“Are you off your f*cking meds or something?” – Willie

“Well they all can’t be winners.” – Willie

“Mind your own goddamn business.” – Willie

“I’m on my f*cking lunch break ok”- Willie

“In case you didn’t notice, I’m a motherf*cking dwarf. So unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand, hmm?” – Marcus

“I weigh 92 pounds, you d*ck!” – Marcus

“If I call you next December, IF I call you next December, you’re gonna be so happy to hear from me, you’re gonna do a goddamn back flip. You’re gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you’re gonna get f*cking hat-burn.” – Marcus

“It won’t happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That’s all.” – Marcus

“Yeah? Where? You see us [midgets] hanging off of f*cking trees like f*cking crab apples?” – Marcus

“Sketch it up, you f*cking moron. F*cking Leonardo da Vinci.” – Marcus

“Jesus Christ! Can you maybe at least keep it together for just 10 minutes?” – Marcus

“You need many years of therapy. Many, many, many, f*ckin’ years of therapy.” – Marcus

“Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. You pissed yourself!” – Marcus

. “The world ain’t fair. You’ve gotta take what you need when you can get it. You’ve gotta learn to stand up for yourself.” – Willie

“Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.” – Willie

“Don’t take no shit from nobody, least of all, yourself.” – Willie

“Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he’s been in Margaret Thatcher’s p*ssy.” – Willie

“I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something. I don’t know. Like I accomplished something.” – Willie

“I’ve been to prison once, I’ve been married – twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I’ve had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that’s never gonna heal. I’ve seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!” – Willie

“I don’t want any f*cking sandwiches. What is it with you and fixin’ f*cking sandwiches?” – Willie

“Whatcha my mom now? You shat me out of your womb?” – Willie

“I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seeded childhood thing.” – Sue

Willie:Oh yeah, baby, you won’t be able to sh*t right for a week!

Marcus:
It won’t happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That’s all.

Willie:
That’s right. I forgot to take my pill.

Bob Chipeska:
It’s not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate…

Willie:
Fornicate?

Bob Chipeska:
Yes. With a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?

Willie:
Look, I’ve boned alot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I’ve never fornicated anybody.

Bob Chipeska:
Yes… Well, even still, I think it’s best for all parties considered if we…

Marcus:
If we what?

Bob Chipeska:
Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.

Willie:
Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this sh*t.

Bob Chipeska:
What are you talking about?

“Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me, all right?” – Willie

Willie:
I’m talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That’s what I’m talking about. I’m talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that’s what I’m talking about. I’m talking about 150 of these little motherf***ers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding pickett signs and using bullhorns and sh*t like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?

Bob Chipeska:
Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.

Willie:
You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said ‘You People.’

Marcus:
Who the hell is us people?

Bob Chipeska:
No… He said… But… what… No no. Um, I think it’s best if we just forget we had this conversation.

Willie:
Good thinking. And don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine. Let’s get the hell out of here Marcus.

Willie:
You’re pathetic.

Willie:
I said, “Next,” goddamn it! This is not the DMV!

Bob Chipeska:
I don’t know. There’s just something about the guy that makes me uneasy.

Gin:
Well sure. Santa f***ing someone in the ass.

Bob Chipeska:
Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resume by the way.

Marcus:
Thanks. You know, we’ve been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.

Bob Chipeska:
You two are perfect for this job, truly. So, I don’t want his unpleasentness affect your performance in any way.

Marcus:
Oh no. We…

Willie:
Performance?

Bob Chipeska:
Yes. Your performance. You know, the…

Willie:
Do you mean sexual?

“No, I’m an accountant. I wear this f*cking thing as a fashion statement, alright?” – Willie

Bob Chipeska:
Excuse me?

Willie:
Are you saying there’s something wrong with my gear? Is that what your saying to me?

Bob Chipeska:
I’m sorry, your gear?

Marcus:
Willie…

Willie:
My f*** stick

Marcus:
Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.

Bob Chipeska:
He’s not going to say f*** stick in front of the children, is he?

Marcus:
No! It was just a joke. An adult joke. For us, adults. It’s a joke. Just a joke.

Sue:
F*** me, Santa! F*** me, Santa! F*** me, Santa!

Willie:
You can’t drink worth sh*t.

Marcus:
I weigh 92 pounds, you dick!

Gin:
Santa likes to f*** fat chicks in the ass.

Kid:
Your beard’s not real.

Willie:
It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.

Kid:
How come?

Willie:
I loved a woman who wasn’t clean.

Kid:
Mrs. Claus?

Willie:
Actually it was her sister.

Gin:
Look here, get himy outta here and I’ll go smooth things over with Chipeska, Tell him it was food poisoning or something.